阿婆the GM - paper vulture ;

shopping list

1. watch
2. bag?
3. bubble tea
4. shit shit shit cannot rmb alr.
5. 2.5
6. nice pouch haha.
7. look at shoeesssss!
8. k i forget alr this thing is retarded kthxbye
   

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there's this warm, fuzzy feeling
when i compare now with, maybe 2 months back?
but when i realise it's not there,
my mind is stuck at one year ago.

I talk to Leonard every two or three days. I call him if I can't get hold of Lilly, or I call him when I’m done talking to her. He always asks the same two questions: are you okay, do you need anything. My answers are always the same: yes I’m okay, no I don’t need anything. He offers to come visit I tell him no. he asks when I’m getting out, I always give him the same date. He wants to have a party the day of my release, I tell him I want to see Lilly, I want to be alone with her. When we hang-up he always says the same thing: look ’em in the eye and show no fear.

When I’m done with the phone, I go back to my cell. I do a hundred push-ups and two hundred sit-ups. When I am done with the push-ups and sit-ups, I walk to the shower. Most of the Prisoners shower in the morning, so I am usually alone. I turn on the heat from multiple faucets. I sit down on the floor. The water hits me from multiple directions it hits my chest, my back, the top of my head. It hits my arms, my legs. It burns and it hurts and I sit and I take the burn and I take the hurt. I don’t do it because I like it, because I don’t. I sit and I take the pain and I ignore the pain and I forget the pain because I want to learn some form of control. I believe that pain and suffering are different things. Pain is the feeling. Suffering is the effect that pain inflicts. If one can learn to withstand pain, one can withstand anything. If one can learn to control pain, one can learn to control oneself. I have lived a life without control. I have spent twenty-three years destroying myself and everything and everyone around me and I don’t want to live that way anymore. I take the pain so that I will never suffer. I take the pain to experience control. I sit and I burn and I take it.

you know what happens when a pillar collapses?

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